Recovery Journey #2: The Gap Between

It happened around 3 years ago, I enjoyed my university life and I’m in love like everyone used to be, the only difference is, the one whom I loved is a “she”. I came from a conservative country and family, I couldn’t imagine how much efforts that I needed to change my mind in order to accept myself as a bisexual and this decision almost led me to the brink of death. She broke up with me after we had been together for 3months. From that day on, I cried every night, every hour, every minute even every second when I thought of her. It almost takes me 2 years to start a new phase of life.

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I am a person with high self-regard but also a person who lacks of confidence. The time she broke up with me, my world was like collapsing down to the hell and I was just like a living corpse with no feelings. I just studied, organised for activities, do whatever what I have to do, not I want to do. I believe that everything is destined, thank god that I was so busy during that time and I would like to say that a group of lovely friends, religion and the psychologist I met is the turning point of my story, they brought me along to hurdle this depression.

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Although I am a medical student, at that moment I almost lost my abilities of being rational and I was just too absorbed into my emotional side. Sometimes when the feeling of depressed knocked my heart, I couldn’t control myself and my mind kept telling me that it’s time to settle everything and nothing is memorable. When God closes a door, he always opens a window. My friends accompanied me every time when I had a thought of hurting myself. Besides, I tried to pray and it’s a crucial spiritual sustenance that sets my mind at rest.

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A few months later, I thought that I had already recovered but actually, my situation was getting worse because I started to deny my feelings of depression and it started to manifest not only in mental state, but also in form of physical illness. It proceeded gradually, I ate and vomited at first and sooner I couldn’t even eat but just vomited when I smelled any foods. I perceived it as my stomach problem until I met a gastroenterologist who told me that he would like to refer me to the psychiatric department and that’s the time I only realized that my primary problem was more related to my mental part. Anyway, I refused to follow his suggestion.

I rejected because I couldn’t accept the fact that myself, as a medical student who is supposed to be able to overcome this issue couldn’t even help myself. It sounds so ridiculous that this issue can significantly affect myself and I couldn’t handle it well. Part of me was in denial and I tried so hard to do what I can do such as jogging, writing to express, volunteering and even changed the place I stayed in a way of trying to escape from the negative feelings.

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However, nothing changed and my appetite never improved. I struggled for a long time and finally I decided to take a leap and give it a try. At that time, I know I started to pick up my courage to face myself, to face the problem.

I tried to search for student counselling department in our university website and I booked an appointment. That was the first time I went into the counselling room that I used to ignore it every day I passed by. I felt so nervous, I didn’t know what to say and how to describe my feeling, I wondered whether he could help me. Luckily, the psychologist I met was so friendly and he made sure that I feel comfortable, safe and secure during the session. In the progress, he just allowed me to share my main issue and he asked few questions to understand my situation better. This was the first time I told a stranger my past, I cried.

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And miracle happened, I tried to eat after the first meet-up even though vomiting after eating was unavoidable at that time. I received the treatment for a semester and I could have normal appetite after my third time appointment. In the course of treatment, he gave me an assessment so that I could understand my own personality better. I remembered that he said there’re two kinds of extreme characters, one is hurting others while another one is self-hurting and I am the latter one. He also used some interacting ways like showing video and sharing his own experiences with few cases examples for the therapeutic use of oneself.

I still remember vividly when I asked him why exercise or other works that I did was ineffective to me, he said: “You are just trying avoid to face your core problem, you may cure the symptoms but not the disease”. He taught me few ways to solve my problem and gave me time to execute the plan he suggested. During my depression period, I felt guilty too, he built up my confidence by telling me, “Don’t feel bad for everything. You’re not that mighty until you can change the weather, there are things which have nothing to do with you”.

It’s hurtful but it is a sad fact which is comparable to our frequent question, “Love is about two persons, how come only one is heavily affected by break up?”

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It’s not easy to forgive a person who hurt you, but if this is my destiny then why should I hate a person I loved before? I believed everything happened for a reason, in order to divert my attention that time, I made a decision of furthering my study to UK after my degree. I started to prepare for the IELTS, I tried to travel myself on a one day trip to a small island. These made me stronger than before, she made me who I am today.

One of my friends told me that time will tell you what is worthwhile to have in mind. No matter how hard it was, it passed. When my rational being came back, then I looked back and knew how emotional I had gone beyond, I acknowledge that this is part of me, part of my life. Don’t lose the hope of life, life still goes on!

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Everybody has their own stories, this is only my personal insight which I would like to share with you…Thank you for reading this.

Writer: Anonymous


Posted in De Project, MY Project, Treatment for Depression and tagged , , , , , , .

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