When it is really bad, I don’t know what to do. It feels like I am on repeat. All the thoughts. All of them seem to haunt me even when I am in a “good mood.” And they all seem reasonable, but they are things that I can do nothing about. I feel helpless to my situation. And I get more sad because I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I often resort to suicidal thoughts because it makes me feel better. Like I won’t have to deal with this shit anymore.
I am always worrying. Always thinking about my short-comings, about how I treat people, about what I say, about how I will ever get to my future, about what I should be passionate about, about how lonely I will always be, about how I won’t open up for no reason, etc…
All of it at once and it never completely goes away. It comes full force at any moment. I don’t control it because it seems rational to me. I am not a successful person and I don’t think, at this point in my life, I ever will be. At this point I just want the pain to go away. I don’t like being told to not think about things because then I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why won’t I stop thinking? Why can’t I just be normal and push those things deep, deep, deep down into my soul? I don’t know. I don’t want to figure myself out because it wouldn’t fix me. I don’t think I will ever be happy.
I have depression in my family. A couple drank themselves to death, and the rest of them seem to be really successful. What do I do? I don’t want someone to tell me what to do. I don’t want all the money in the world, even though a steady income would alleviate some of the stress. I just want to be happy with who I am and what I can do. I don’t want to be told by someone that I am okay. I am not okay! And they can’t make me be okay! They don’t understand what I am going through! They don’t understand how much I hate myself! I wish they hated me. But I know they never will. Medication can only do so much to someone who doesn’t want to be fixed or helped.