The isolation engulfed my conscious. The silent befriends with me. It creeps into my life and stays with me. My world was in slow motion and painted in grey-white tiers. The whole world was cornering me as I was standing in the center. The issues and problems looked so huge and tall. My father was having mistresses, my chaotic family, my grandfather passed away, my sexual orientation concerns, my father constantly had fight with my mother, my father was going through bankrupt and my mother was experiencing great sadness and mourning. I was overwhelmed by all these and I was defeated. As I breathe, hope was slowly dissolved by me and I feel as in tomorrow will not come.
There was no-end. There was not end of tunnel for me. I was walking in the endless long tunnel. I endlessly struggled between me and myself, between trying to be fine and being not fine. I denied it. I hate myself, I do not enjoy it. I envy others. In the long run, I find myself having trouble to sleep and to eat. I had no social life and I spent most of the time with myself. I liked it that way. I liked the silent and the quietness. I indulged myself with sadness, a feeling that I felt so close to me. I felt as though only sadness knew what I had been through.
Things started to deteriorate. I know I will never be able to solve all the issues at hand. There were too overwhelmed for me. I rather die than to face with them. The pain of handling them is greater than dying; at least this is what I thought at that moment. I thought about it and I failed, so I live. One day, I suddenly realized I don’t want to be in such a way anymore. I was affraid and scared but I seek for help. I started my four years of counselling journey as a client. I was helped, lifted and I found the reason. I found the hope; I nurture my reason, my hope and the will for living. I am still scared handling some of the issues, but I find the will to try.
I am not at the end of my tunnel yet, but I see light at the end of it. I am still in pain, suffering and breaking down at times ;but I am learning to better manage myself, my emotion, my thinking, my triggers, my social life, my working life, my hopes, my goals and hopefully my life. There is still a far way to go and I have not had any relapse in the past four years. I am glad that I am here, but I wouldn’t be here, if it is not for my aunts, my mother, my brother and sister, my close friends and my therapists.