I began struggling with depression in the 6th grade. That’s when I realized how the world really was. As a kid I thought everything in the world was good. In 6th grade i found out my mom did drugs, I watched her try to kill herself in front of me. She told me my father wasn’t my biological father when she was drunk. I began to get bullied.
I was raped in middle school and was called a liar over it. All of this pain began building up and building up and I had nobody to talk to about it. I had my first suicide attempt in 8th grade. And about 7 more attempts after that. I’ve swallowed 10 types of pills, drank cleaning chemicals, swallowed razor blades, cut my skin. I was desperate for the pain to end. Depressed and suicidal people don’t want to die, they want the pain to die.
Depression begins as sadness. But depression isn’t just sadness. It’s a lot more. Depression is being sad and mad and scared and all of that but not feeling it at the same time. It’s feeling numb to all emotion. It’s sitting in your room crying for 2 hours straight and then blankly staring at your bedroom wall for another 2 hours. It’s contemplating taking the pills you’ve been saving up for a while but the only thing that’s stopping you is the threat of being put into a psychiatrist hospital if you fail your suicide attempt. I haven’t attempted suicide in almost a year, but I still think about it every day. This is something I’m going to have to struggle with for a very long time. Trust me, I don’t want to struggle with this. This is NOT my choice. And this is NOT how I want to live my life. But depression is a thing I have to accept and that more people need to accept in this world.
**This journey was published with the permission of the original author under a pseudonym / anonymous.