Journey #7: The Past Lives in Us

When I think about my past all I can think about is how me and my younger brother was abused by our parents. My mum she smoked and still does while my dad drinks. All I can think about that has anything to do with my past is my younger brothers screams and cries. I cried every day and as the older I got the more I kept the fact that I was in pain a secret. But then when I was finally old and brave enough to tell the school about what was actually happening at home it finally ended. I was relived. My parents was watched and investigated.

Adapted from http://www.secureteen.com/

Adapted from http://www.secureteen.com/

And I can’t remember how long it lasted but my mums cruelness spread into a lying and manipulative form instead. My dad moved out after this happened. He couldn’t handle being in the same house as her anymore. I chose to stay with my brother which chose to stay with our mum. She was the only one in the house that could cook during that time.

Adapted from http://www.visembryo.com/

Adapted from http://www.visembryo.com/

I soon understood the actions that was happening to us when we made this choice. Our mum didn’t work so she was home 24/7. But all she does is either sleep or she’s on the computer. She occasionally wash our clothes with my help when it’s really necessary but the cooking became my responsibility. This made our life harder since we were poor. My mum borrows money from our grandparent and in secret steals the little money me and my brother got from Christmas or from our birthday. When confronted she denied it and told us we must have lost it somehow.

Adapted from www.kuwaitlocal.com

Adapted from www.kuwaitlocal.com

I started to hide my money but she had the whole day to look for it when I was at school or my friends. When I lost my money sometimes I would cry in secret. All my saving gone. Eventually I just let it go. My dad and mother tried to manipulate me but eventually I learned how to stop that as well. For an example: You know when you didn’t listen to your parents and they would take your toys away or something precious to you until you behaved?

Adapted from http://www.familylife.com/

Adapted from http://www.familylife.com/

Well I learned that they couldn’t manipulate me if I didn’t love anything or found any worth in it. So that’s what I did. My farther became a guy who behaved like a child, or maybe he was always like that. He no longer has a job and he gets his money from his mum. He doesn’t want a real job and he eventually got diabetes from all the alcohol. He’s no a bad guy. I mean he gives me money when I ask, cause he knows I wouldn’t ever ask him if it wasn’t important. He pays for food for us kids when we have nothing to eat and that is like everyday. I have no relatives since we moves after my birth to another country and I never see them or have never met them.

Adapted from http://orig09.deviantart.net/

Adapted from http://orig09.deviantart.net/

Well I had friends ever since then. But one after one betrayed or left me. I was bullied as far as I can remember. I am now alone cause I never seem to be able to get a real relationship with anyone. I guess this is cause I became coldhearted. That was the only way to survive my bad luck and life’s obstacles. But then I got me some pair of lovely friends in 7th grade when I started a new school. Although I took them for granted. Under that time I was coldhearted but I always hidden it.

Adapted from http://media1.tinngan.vn/

Adapted from http://media1.tinngan.vn/

People would call me the nicest girl they’ve met because they didn’t know better. I messed with their feelings for three years and none of them noticed. I didn’t mind because I was coldhearted. And I never trusted anyone of them. I knew all of their secrets but they never knew mine. But when we all separated because we got into different colleges and all of us walked our own way I was alone. I was happy, truly. Cause I thought we would see each other after school. I found a guy. But then we started to drift away from each other. School took over our life.

Adapted from https://markmanson.net/

Adapted from https://markmanson.net/

I realized then that I’d grown weak in just one summer and it was loves fault. If I hadn’t been so stupid and started going out with this guy, I wouldn’t feel and thus I wouldn’t feel alone and tired of life. I broke up with him cause I knew that that old me just dated him for no reason. Not for love or a friend. Just to play a game. I was unwise and cruel and now I’m alone cause if I’m happy, it feels like I’m going to become that person again. A girl that’s arrogant and manipulative.

Adapted from http://www.calldrmatt.com/

Adapted from http://www.calldrmatt.com/

I guess at least I feel real emotions again. But I still haven’t cried since 5th grade or more. And I won’t. Cause what should I cry for? What is so important to be crying your heart out. I may feel sadness again but I guess I just don’t cry cause I’ve been crying so much and for so long when I was just a child. I just can’t.

Adapted from http://media.gettyimages.com/

Adapted from http://media.gettyimages.com/

I’m now in depression and that fake smile or whatever it was that I had on everyday is now never seen from that day I first felt myself starting to feel alone. There is nothing like true happiness and never was. I know that from personal experience. But that time I had with old friends was maybe close enough.

But that time I had with old friends was maybe close enough.

Traveller: MystiicBell

Posted in De Project, What is Depression? and tagged , , , , , , .

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